Week 4 Recaps - Matchup 4, Matchup 5 and Interview****

Matchup 4: Kens 20 Min Backroad Brisket wins 150.6 to 149:

Matt Jones:

Robby D’s backfield has concerned me all year, so I have to ask - Is Matt Jones hot dogs or legs? He came out week 1 and stunk, 7 carries 24 yards and 5.2 fantasy points. Since then, he’s put up 15.6 points in week 2, 12.3 points in week 3 and had a monster game in week 4. His 22 carries for 117 yards and a TD were good for 28.2 points and was the best game of his career. He may have had a big game last year, but it was mostly flukey long runs. This was the best game of his career. So is Jones legit? I don’t know, that’s tough to say. He’s a beast at 6-2, 230 pounds and runs fast for a guy of that size (4.61 combine 40). He’s the clear cut number one RB on a team that has a strong passing game, which works in his favor because he doesn't see loaded fronts. That's what she saiiiiidddd. Chris Thompson takes some passing down work, but Jones is the only ball carrier. Ball carrier – sounds dirty. Your mom’s a ball carrier. Speaking of your mom, I think Jones is legs. The opportunity is there and the talent is there. Legs.

Brandon Cooks:

Cooks came out in week 1 and put up 6 catches for 143 yards and 2 TDs. A lot of that was fueled by a 90 yard TD catch, but 32.6 points is 32.6 points. Since then, he’s been abysmal. ABYSMAL. Over the last three weeks, he’s recorded 12 catches for 112 yards and no TDs. And it’s not like the Saints haven’t been throwing the ball. Over those three weeks, Drew Brees has thrown for 263 yards and 1 TD, 376 yards and 3 TDs and 207 yards with 2 TDs. Somehow, out of those 846 yards and 6 TDs, Cooks has just 13% of the yards and no TDs. So what happened? Ultimately, I think it’s just the Saints offense. Brees loves to spread the ball around, there are a number of other weapons in that offense and they do like to run the ball. For those reasons, I am out. I mean, hot dogs.

Jordan Reed:

Jordan Reed was the first tight end drafted other than Gronk. Frader said that statement didn’t make sense, but it does. It’s maybe not the most clear statement, but it does make sense. The Panthers were the best team in the NFL last year, other than the Broncos. Emmitt Smith is the best RB to ever play in the NFL, other than Walter Payton. See? Makes sense. Anyway, Jordan Reed scored 27 points in his first three weeks. In week four, he scored 23.8 points by catching 9 passes for 73 yards and two TDs. So what will we see going forward? The Jordan Reed from weeks 1-3, or the Jordan Reed from week 4….. I have faith in Jordan Reed, I think he’s a really good player. I would have drafted him if the price wasn’t so high, so I’m going with legs.

Matchup 4: Pure Taige loses 149 to 150.6:

Ouch, what a tough loss for Taige. He dropped Matt Ryan during the week, who went on to score 44.9 points. He sat Big Ben, who went on to score 40 points. He started Joe Flacco over both of those guys, who scored 25 points. Not a bad decision, but he lost by less than two points. Ouch.

DeMarco Murray:

Through 4 weeks, the 4th round pick (my God what a steal) has scored 103.3 points, or 25.8 points per game. Through 4 weeks last year, he scored 27.5 points. Weird, I had him on my team last year. Anyways, he’s been awesome this year and is one of the reasons Tieg is in first place. He’s scored 5 touchdowns on the year and his 103 points are the most for an RB in fantasy football. That’s 12 more points than Melvin Gordon who is #2. DeMarco has been an absolute beast. So is this going to continue? Yes, yes it is. Look at the cakewalk schedule he has coming up – Miami, Cleveland, Indi, Jacksonville, San Diego, Green Bay, Indi again then Chicago. What a joke, the Texans have the easiest schedule in all of football. At least in terms of fantasy. What I’m trying to say here is legs, not hot dogs, but legs.

Terrance West:

Tieg started Terrance West this week? What the fuck? What an unbelievably lucky call. I don’t care if he somehow heard Forsett was inactive before the game, but an unbelievably lucky, horseshoe in his ass, four leaf clover in his penis hole call. The fact he got 24.5 points out of Terrance West and still lost is just an example of the fantasy gods smiting him. Anyways, is Terrance West for real? I don’t know, but I certainly don’t think so. The Raiders are one of the worst run defenses in the league, allowing the second most rushing yards so far this season. Kenneth Dixon is coming soon, Javorious Allen is still in the mix and the Ravens have a lot of weapons on offense. Maybe I’ll be proved wrong, but I’m not buying it – hot dogs.  

Sterling Shepard:

Tieg was really pumped about Shepard on draft day and it turned out to be a great pick. Through 4 weeks, Shepard has 20 catches and 50 fantasy points – good for 23rd in the NFL. He’s quickly proven that he’s one of Eli’s favorite targets and as we know, he’s outscored Odell Beckham on the year. Unfortunately, this past week was his worst game of the year – just 5 points. So is he for real? Or were the first three weeks a fluke? I’m actually gonna defer on this one. He’s going to put up points, but I don’t think he’ll be a top 20 guy. Odell is going to start getting his catches, which will take away from Shepard. Further, now that he’s played some games, the other teams will start to gameplan for him. I think he’ll be usable, and he’ll be better than Randall Cobb (duh), but I can’t firmly say hot dogs or legs. I say both, which is fitting for this gif. Kinda hot, but not amazing. 

Matchup 5: Ken Killed Harambe won 110.1 to 84.7:

Matt Forte:

Matt Forte has exceeded expectations to date. He was the 44th overall selection in our draft, but he’s been the 10th best running back in fantasy so far. He’s scored 3 TDs, rushed for 288 yards and has 83 yards receiving. He’s clearly the number 1 back in NY. So why am I even discussing this? Because he seems to be wearing down a bit. In week 1, he had 155 total yards. In week 2, he had 109. In week 3 he had 64 and last week he had 43. You all know I love trends, but I don’t love this trend. Having said all that, he’s still Matt Forte. One of the best RBs over the past 10 years and one of the few RBs who’s not in a committee. Legs.

Kelvin Benjamin:

Like Forte, Lamone’s favorite WR had a big start to the season before sliding a bit recently. Through two weeks, Kelvin had 13 catches for 200 yards and 3 TDs. Since then he has just 3 catches for 39 yards and a TD. If you take out that TD, he would have had just 5.4 points over the last two weeks. So that’s pretty bad, right? Wrong. Week 3 was against the Vikings, where he got shutout. You cannot judge a player based on their performance against the Vikings, they’re just too good. The last week is a little concerning, but Atlanta’s top corner is pretty good (Desmond Trufant). Overall, I say Kelvin turns things around and fast. I predict 100 yards and 2 TDs this week, which makes him legs.

Travis Kelce:

Ahhh Travis Kelce, one of the most frustrating tight ends in fantasy. All of the talent and athleticism you could ask for, but he’s on the wrong team. Alex Smith is an absolute bum and really the only reason I traded Jeremy Maclin away. If Maclin had a good QB, there is no way I would have traded him. Week 1 Kelce was solid, 6 catches for 74 yards. Week 2 he was terrible and got you 5.9 points. Week three was his best week, with 6 catches for 89 yards and a TD. Week 4 would have been terrible, if it weren’t for a last second junk time TD. So what do I think? I think Travis Kelce is hot dogs. Like I said to open this week’s writeup – when you first see hot dogs, you get excited. Then when you look closer and see that Kelce has a terrible QB and is on a run first team, you aren’t as excited. Hot dogs.

Matchup 5: FLACCOPiAN TUBES lost 84.7 to 110.1

I know you are all sick of this terrible idea I had for a writeup. Judging by the fact that only one person commented on a post and not one person commented in the group text, this was a fail. Fear not, I will redeem myself with this last writeup. For the last one, I had a little interview with Lamone. The results of that interview are below. I actually planned to do this before starting the writeup, but it works perfectly since this was kind of a bad one. I’ll reach out to a different person each week, so it should be pretty funny. Oh well, here’s the full unedited interview.

Commish: So Lamone, give me some of your thoughts on your week 4 matchup with Dylan?

Lamone: Obviously you wont win with 84 points unless you play Ken. Secondly, I will go on record as saying that Matthew Berry, who I don’t blame for my loss, is an absolute idiot. Two of his loves, DeSean Jackson (1 point) and DeANDREA Hopkins (.9 points) were spot on. Matthew Berry looks like Father Bill, a priest from the church Rob D and I went to growing up that loved little boys.

Not having Rodgers hurt me in the matchup, but Cousins was pretty solid. The injuries I’ve suffered this year will besmirch me for the rest of the season.

Commish: Yeah that is tough. It’s always tough to lose and nothing bothers me more than losing to someone I’m hanging out with. In fact, if I’m playing someone in fantasy football I generally refuse to see them or speak to them. So how bad was watching football with Dylan when you knew you were going to lose the matchup?

Lamone: I should have bought a snake at PetSmart so I could have watched the game by myself while Dylan hid in his room.

Commish: Let’s move to a different topic. You’re an active manager, what do you think of all the moves Ken has made the last week?

Lamone: Ken, as big of an idiot as you are, I think the league has to appreciate the effort for being in dead last. With that said, all the trades you made – you gotta look at bye weeks. Your bench score as many points this week as we do sitting on the couch.

Commish: Now time for a random question. Just going to pull a non-football related question out of thin air and see what we come up with. For you, I thought of a good one. If you got to kill your worst enemy, in any fashion you chose, how would you do it?

Lamone: Probably waterboard them to death while singing Kevin Lyttle “Turn Me On” karaoke.

Commish: Damn, that’s haunting. Okay so for the last question, I’m going to steal and idea from my idol Matthew Berry and go with a name game. (Okay, he’s not my idol, Leo is. Still, if you can convince ESPN to pay you to talk about fantasy football for a living, then you earn my respect). Anyway, DeAndre Hopkins has SUCKED the last two weeks and been a disappointment in general this year. I’m going to name 5 different wide receivers and you have to tell me whether you would have them, or DeAndre Hopkins.

Lamone: Let me say this. Deandre Hopkins, the semen sample of Matthew Berry from all the research I did during Funemployment was a steal at #12. But for real, Deandre Hopkins? More like Deandre Blumpkins. I feel like the dad with the slutty daughter in high school who’s blowing dudes while they are puking out of their buttholes. Just complete embarrassment – I can’t even go to the super market. Having said that, he’s on the trading block.