Week 8 Recaps - Intro and Matchup 1

Person A: “Four picks against Grossman and two fumbles. What’d you see about the Bears, to shut him down that way?

Person B: “Naw we, you know what I mean, they, we, we just eh, uh the Bears are what we thought they were....They’re what we thought they were…we played em in preseason, who the hell takes the third game of the preseason like it’s fuckin bullshit? We played them in the third game, everybody played three quarters, THE BEARS ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE! And that’s why we took the damn field! Now, if you wanna crown them, THEN CROWN THEIR ASS!! But they are who we thought they were… AND WE LET EM OFF THE HOOK!!”

Person A: “After Tom took so many hits in the first half, what does a game like this say about his toughness? His resilience that sometimes might get overlooked?”

Person B: “Well I don’t think it’s overlooked, I don’t think anybody can questions Tom’s toughness. I can’t, I don’t know who’s ever done that…”

Person A: “I’m just saying it “could” be overlooked…”

Person B: “By who?”

Person A: “What does this type of game say about that toughness?”

Person B: “Tom’s one of the toughest players in the league, so…..”  

Person A: “Joe, thank you so much. Richard, let me ask you, the final play, take me through it.

Person B: “Well I’m the best corner in the game! When you try me with a sorry receiver like Crabtree, THAT’S THE RESULT YOU GON GET!! DON’T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT ME!”

Person A: “Who was talking about you?”

Person B: “Crabtree, DON’T YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH ABOUT THE BEST! OR IMA SHUT IT FOR YOU REAL QUICK! LOB!!”

As sports fans, we are lucky. Not only do we get to enjoy the product on the field, but with the advent of technology and media access during our lives, we also get to enjoy some of the action that happens after the game. Still, sports interviews are so hit or miss. Sometimes you get bland, cookie cutter answers. Sometimes you get some interesting tidbits. Sometimes however, the sports gods shine down on us and give us absolute gold in the form of an athlete or coach. An interview that makes you laugh and may just live on in infamy (RIP Denny Green). The above were some examples of some good ones, but by no means the best. There are so many awesome interview rants, from PLAYOFFSS???, to YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME!, and even LARRY BIRD AINT WALKIN THROUGH THAT DOOR. It's impossible to talk about them all. 

This does have a double edged sword. Unfortunately, we all have to watch Cam Newton wear ridiculous clothes and cry how he doesn’t get preferential treatment. Sorry dude, you’re 6-6, 260 pounds and you rush for 10 touchdowns a year. You want to rush for touchdowns, but want to be protected like a quarterback? It doesn’t work that way. We also have to listen to annoying shit like the Colin Kaeperdick interviews that went on for a month straight. Alas, we have to take the good with the bad.

Reel it back in. For this week’s entertainment, I’m going to bring back a crowd favorite – the interviews. I sent out a number of league correspondents to all corners of the US in order to get these interviews. We’ll talk about fantasy football, life and other things. One of these interviews may actually even be real. You be the judge….

WellJustTellUr MotherWeAteItAll (6-2):

Karpel: Johnny C, how’s it going man? Congratulations on the engagement.

Commish: Thanks Karpel, it’s been an interesting experience for sure. Somewhat surreal, it still hasn’t quite hit me that I’m joining Robby D in the ranks of married men. The only real life-changer is that I have to plan a wedding. I’ve only argued with my mom once so far, so it’s been relatively smooth sailing.

Karpel: Damn man, that sounds like a lot of work. Let’s talk about something different, your 6-2 fantasy football team. It doesn't seem like you get the credit you deserve, but your team is in 2nd place. How does that make you feel? 

Commish: Tieg, Frader, Ned Stark. They were the heroes. The glorious rebels marching from matchup to matchup liberating towns from the yolk of the Mad King while I held Storm’s End with FIVE HUNDRED men.

Karpel: Am I missing something?

Commish: No, but I am. I need to know when Game of Thrones season 7 is coming out, I NEED IT.

Karpel: Ah fair enough. But seriously, tell me a little something about your team.

Commish: I like my team, but I’m not sure it has what it takes to win the championship. I love having Tom Brady as my QB, he’s been Tom Terrific so far. In 4 games played, he’s scored 35 or more points in three of them. I also love my WR depth, AJ Green is one of the best in the league and Amari Cooper is a rising star. While Julian Edelman has disappointed, his point totals have increased every week since Tom came back. I also have great depth with Michael Thomas and Donte Moncrief (anyone need a WR?)

I’m worried about my TE and specialists though, I haven’t been able to get much from them all year. My RBs are a fluid situation as well. One week they look great, the next week they look like shit.

Karpel: Well you’re 6-2 through 8 weeks and things look pretty good. How do you feel about the landscape of the league?

Commish: I pride myself on the fact that this league is competitive.  Generally, the playoff spots aren’t determined until the final regular season game has been played. It looks like that will be the same again this year, as we have 9 teams within two games of a playoff spot. It looks like Ken is out, but Frader still has a chance to make a run.

Karpel: I agree, it looks like things will come right down to the wire again this year. On another note, are we going to keep the pickem league going for the rest of the season?

Commish: Hell no, you and Kenny ruined it.

Karpel: Oh well, I can’t help myself. I need to text like I need air. Let’s switch gears to something non-football related. Since you ask this question in all of your interviews, I figured the league might be interested in your answer. If you got to kill your worst enemy, how would you do it?

Commish: Ned Stark style, our way is the old way. The man who passes the sentence should swing the sword.

Can I Diggs It? Yes You Can (2-6):

Danny Archer: Danny Archer here, out in San Francisco reporting on behalf of the GW Bush League. I’m here with Jon Frader, the former league champ. How are you today my bruh?

Frader: Holy shit man, I thought you were dead?? Solomon left you on top of that mountain top and you were bleeding to death!

Danny Archer: (tisk sound like he does in the movie) snck snck snck snck snck. Wrong my bruh, I faked my own death. You think I wanted to marry Jennifer Connolly and hang out with Solomon Vandy for the rest of my days? Nah, I’m here to fuck models and crush E-cigs.

Frader: Magic, just pure magic. You sly dog. Can you teach me your ways?  

Danny Archer: In America it’s bling bling, but out here it’s bling bang. TIA bruh, this is Africa. So no. Anyways my bruh, what happened here? Former league champ, but currently in 9th place. How did this happen?  

Frader: Being the most fucked up person at the draft is no way to go through life. My first round pick didn’t produce until week 5, my second round pick didn’t produce until week 4 and my third round pick hasn’t done a thing this year. If I was thinking a little more clearly, I likely wouldn’t have taken so many risks.

Danny Archer: Yeah you really didn’t plan that draft out well. Maybe you’ll think twice next time before taking 4 caramels, hitting the rempen 10 times and drinking 12 beers before 5 PM huh? Speaking of, score me a loose?

Frader: Yeah, in hindsight I should have paced myself. I’m sitting here at 2-6 with 5 weeks to go, any advice for a brotha?   

Danny Archer: The relief agencies are useless, the hospitals are overwhelmed, but there are other ways bruh. Listen to me, I know people heh? White people. Without me, you’re just another helpless fantasy football owner.

Frader: Okay fine, so what should I do?

Danny Archer: Well, trade LeVeon Bell to the commish, that’s a start. You need a difference maker at WR and he has AJ Green and Amari Coopah. After that, make sure Alshon Jeffery is in your lineup after the bye. He has a favorable schedule the rest of the way and Jay Cutler is back. Other than that, just stay consistent, don’t tinker with your lineup too much. You’re due for some good luck my bruh, you have many points against.

Frader: Don’t even get me started on that. My opponents are averging 132 points against me per week. In 6 out of 8 weeks, my opponent has scored 126 or more. I’m cursed.

Danny Archer: No such thing as curses. Just stay the course.