Week 8 Recaps - Interviews Part 2 — Protector Of The League

FLACCOPiAN TUBES (5-3):

Ansman: Michael Ansman here for the GW Bush League. I’m live with Matt Lamonakis from an undisclosed location. How’s it going Luma?

Lamone: Other than my disgusting loss to Tieg, things are great. I’m living in Southie, still with the girl friend and started a new job recently. How about you, still livin la vida with all the coca?

Ansman: Of course, of course. Dane comes up every few weekends and we paint the town white. Some white girl, some white girls and some white wine. Let’s talk about your loss to Tieg, what happened?

Lamone: It was retarded, I can’t believe I lost to his shitty ass team. Charcandrick West outscored Greg Olsen, Marvin Jones and DeAndre Hopkins. He was a backup to start the game…. Also, I had James White drop what could have been a TD and DeAndre Hopkins drop what would have been a TD. Unbelievable.

Ansman: I noticed that, his team was so bad on paper. That’s why you play the games I guess. Let’s revisit your WRs, what do you think of them going forward?

Lamone: Marvin Jones should turn it around. He has a good QB and they throw the ball a lot. Unfortunately he takes away from Theo Ratdick, but I’m hoping they can both produce. DeAndre Hopkins is a lost cause, I started Kenny Britt over him the week before. He may not even be in my lineup next week.

Ansman: DeAndre Hopkins doesn’t suck, but Brock Osweiler certainly does. Who would have thunk that Brian Hoyer would be better than Osweiler? He’s getting paid way too much money, like all NBA players. How do you feel about your team this week?

Lamone: That’s true, Hopkins is a freak. Either way, he’s useless for fantasy this year. I feel good this week, other than the fact that David Johnson is on a bye. He’s been carrying me all year and it’s gonna be tough to replace his production. He hasn’t had a game with fewer than 15 points all year and is the #1 RB in fantasy.

Ansman: That will be tough, good luck. Switching gears, I heard you went to Dallas last weekend. Rumor has it you stole a pen from George W’s office. Is this true?

Lamone: Yeah, I couldn’t help myself. Ask Johnny C, I’ve always had sticky fingers. I can’t count all of the lighters, gum and candy I’ve stolen from convenience stores over the years. I’m like the Robin Hood of Little Peach.

Ansman: That’s kind of sacrilege if you ask me, I don’t know how I feel about stealing from the guy you named the league after. If you lose again this week, a curse may be on. Speaking of Dallas, when are you moving to Texas?

Lamone: Well it’s not guaranteed, but it’s probably going to happen. I’m going to join the rest of Johnny C’s friends who moved away and forgot where they came from. New England weather is tough to live in.

Ansman: Yeah, I hear you. I moved to NY, so I didn’t get away from the weather. I did get unlimited access to coke and dudes though.

Lamone: Wait, what?

Ansman: Nothing, just coke.

Lamone: Suree…….

Pure Taige (6-2):

Mike Reiss: Mike Reiss here in South Boston, reporting on behalf of the George W. Bush League. I’m here with the first place owner, Tieg Bean. How are you doing, Tieg? Or is it Taige?

Tieg: Either is fine. I’m doing great, re-doing my living room and living with the girlfriend. Have already planned 4 vacations for this winter and overall life is good. Shouldn’t you be covering the Patriots right now?

Mike Reiss: Well I would cover the Patriots, but there’s no way to do real analysis. Bill just does whatever the fuck he wants and lets us scramble to figure out what happened. Case in point, Jamie Collins. Explain to me how trading a top 5 linebacker for a late third round pick makes sense. Couldn’t you just bench him and send a message? Enough about me though, how does it feel to be in first place?

Tieg: It feels great, this is where I belong. I haven’t won the league in a few years, so I’m overdue.

Mike Reiss: It certainly seems like this is the year. You’ve had some good fortune and you just won a game using a team of waiver wire bums.

Tieg: What? My team was sick. Chris Hogan and Mohamed Sanu were great plays. I got about 35 points out of them, which was awesome. Also, I knew Spencer Ware was going to get injured. I just knew it, so I put Charcandrick West in.

Mike Reiss: Come on Tieg, this was lucky as hell. Chris Hogan hadn’t scored a TD since Week 1 and had just three combined catches in his last 2 games. Also, this was Sanu’s best game of the season. Spencer Ware had been a beast and West had just 21.7 points before this week.

Tieg: Well, Randall Cobb was ruled out late and I had a ton of byes. I filled out the best roster I could and it worked. It’s not my fault Lamone’s team shit the bed.

Mike Reiss: You’re right, that’s not your fault. How do you feel about the next few weeks?

Tieg: I have a cake matchup with a bye-riddled Commish before taking on Frader in week 10. After that I take on the 4-4 Marty Huggins and the last place team, Ken. I do have a tough matchup in week 13, but that will just decide home field advantage. I predict I’ll finish this season at 10-3.

Mike Reiss: Very confident, but you’re probably right. The commish has 6 players on bye this week and Frader is 2-6 as of press time. You have a track record in this league, so I won’t doubt you. Anything else to say for your team?

Tieg: Yeah, everyone else can stop trying. It’s over.

Gurley’s Gone (1-7):

Graglia: Jon Graglia here out in Hartford, reporting on behalf of the GW Bush League. I’m here with Ken Peabody, the current Gabriel. How are you today?

Ken: They couldn’t get anyone better than Jon fuckin Graglia to interview me for this shit? What are you even doing in Hartford?

Graglia: Only winners get wings. I mean, you’re 1-7 so they gave you the shaft. I’m here in CT promoting my new shoe brand - Blunts and Pumps. We make shoes with the little pumps on the tongue. The pump tightens the tongue of the shoe, while also emitting a cannabis scent so that you smell like weed everywhere you go.

Ken: That sounds like a terrible idea.

Graglia: No way man, it’s catching on. Anyways, what do you have to say about your performance so far this year?

Ken: I’ve gotten screwed this year. My first three picks have been colossal busts, which is no way to go through life. Gurley has turned it around recently, but when you pick a guy 5th overall, you expect him to be better than RB20 (traded him anyways). My romance with Eddie Lacy is also over, luckily I was able to dump him on the Commish and get out of that investment. Sammy Watkins was a dumb pick, I admit. He was an injury concern coming in and I didn’t pay attention to that.

Graglia: Yeah you really didn’t plan that draft out well. Looking at your draft now, your attrition rate is terrible. Out of the 15 guys you drafted, only two guys remain on your team. That is insane, what do you have to say about that?

Ken: I had a bad draft and so I cleansed. Think of it like a juice cleanse, you just shit everything out.

Graglia: Was it like the time at Middle Street when you put a head of kale in the blender and then drank it? I’ve heard you shit for days after that.

Ken: No comment.

Graglia: Moving on, let’s talk about your victories this year. There aren’t many, but you did win in two trades. How’d you do that?

Ken: Well I got lucky with the Commish. If Eddie Lacy didn’t roll his ankle while paying the Chinese delivery man, then Johnny C would have a top 20 RB. It’s amazing Dylan’s never suffered that same injury, he already has a bum ankle. I also gave him Edelman, who just hasn’t produced. I got Spencer Ware in return, who has been great. As for Dylan’s trade, I couldn’t believe it. He was willing to take Jeremy Hill off my hands and I got Demaryius Thomas, Mark Ingram and Christine Michael in return. It was a Christmas miracle!!

Graglia: So as it stands, you are the Gabriel. How do you think the rest of the year will go for you? You play 3 of the top 4 teams, a strong Marty Huggins team and an under-the-radar Zeka Virus.

Ken: The Commish’s team sucks, he’s all WRs and QBs. Lamone and Tieg will be tough, they’re top 4 for a reason. Guy will also be tough, but his RBs are weak. Keetz has a good team, but no QB because he reneged on the Johnny C trade. Honestly, I think I’ll go 3-2 over that span. Finish off the year 4-9 and call it a day.

Harambe Pink Socked Ken (4-4):

Jared Laptas: Jared Laptas here in South Boston on behalf of the George W. Bush League. I’m here on the couch to interview Dylan Whiting, owner of Harambe Pink Socked Ken, formerly known as Ken Killed Harambe, formerly known as Thas not P Thas Squirt, formerly known as Watch Yaself Big Gurl, formerly known as something else I forgot. So first question, what’s with all the different team names?

Dylan: It’s pretty simple, every time I change my team name, I win. I’ve had 5 team names and have 4 wins, so I guess it’s not a perfect science.

Jared Laptas: Where do you get the inspiration for the team names?

Dylan: Well I love taking jabs at Ken and Harambe is hot in the street this year, so I generally use those two as inspiration. My next team will likely be “Ken’s Out For Harambe”.

Jared Laptas: Good shit man, I appreciate the creativity. So tell me 1 good thing and 1 bad thing about your team.

Dylan: The bad thing is my quarterback situation, Blake Bortles has been so disappointing this year. He’s coming off his best game of the season, but before that he sucked. In weeks 6 and 7 he totaled just 28 points. The good thing is my tight end depth. Travis Kelce and Martellus Bennett are a sick duo.

Jared Laptas: Agree on all accounts. I do have to ask one question though, what’s up with Kelvin Benjamin? You didn’t even start him this past week, is he available for trade?

Dylan: Well I didn’t start him because of the matchup. Facing Patrick Peterson is never a good bet. He only put up 8.3 points, so I was right in my decision. Unfortunately I started Will Fuller over him and you know how that went (2.3 points).

Jared Laptas: Yeah, it wasn’t very good. Fuller may have seen his best days, I’m not even sure he’s worth a roster spot at this point. How do you feel about your schedule going forward, it looks pretty light.

Dylan: Well I just played the worst team in the league, so that was nice. I have a tough test this week, but in the last 4 weeks of the season I play three teams in the bottom 4. I’m pretty confident I’ll win at least 7 games when all is said and done. I’m currently in a playoff spot, so just need to stay the course.

Jared Laptas: I agree, your team looks solid and that schedule is soft. Bryant Soft. Speaking of soft, can you pick up some toilet paper on your way home from work?

Dylan: Wait, you actually have to buy toilet paper?

Jared Laptas: Yeah dude. Toilet paper, paper towels, trash bags – have to buy all that shit.

Dylan: Damn, I thought that just came from under the sink. Thought it was like an endless hole in each house that just had stores of paper products. I don’t even know where to find toilet paper in a grocery store, I just head straight to the chips and crackers isle.