Week 8 Recaps - Interviews Part 3

Zeka-A-Virus (3-5):

Chimney: Jon Neil here reporting high, I mean live on behalf of the George W. Bush League. I’m out in Sunny California with the Zeke-A-Virus, Jon Keetz. How are you doing Jonny Beach?

Keetz: I’m doing well bro, living it up in the Hotel California. Surfin, chillin with my dog, livin the dream. Didn’t you interview me last year for this?

Chimney: I think I did, but can’t remember. The Commish recycles so much material it makes my head spin.

Keetz: Yeah, fuck that guy.

Chimney: At least he recycles though. Let’s talk about your team. A lot of people were afraid to draft Zeke Elliot in the first round, but not you. Walk me through the thought process.

Keetz: Well it wasn’t that hard, he’s an absolute stud and has the best line in the NFL. He was a freak at Ohio State and I knew he was gonna be a top 10 guy.

Chimney: Great call there. Did you know he’s on pace to rush for the most yards by any rookie ever? He could break Eric Dickerson’s record of 1,808 in his rookie year of 1983. I see you’re going with the Dak Prescott/Elliot stack this week. Do you think QB/RB stacks work?

Keetz: Well Zeke is a no brainer. He could rush for 200 yards against the Browns abysmal defense. Jamie Collins be damned. Dak does steal some rushing TDs though, he already has 4 on the season. Either way I win, this is a great matchup.

Chimney: Very true, those two are dangerous. You have an awesome WR group with Mike Evans, TY Hilton, Allen Robinson and Emmanuel Sanders. Two part question here: first, are any of them available for trade? Second, are you worried about Allen Robinson?

Keetz: I love my WRs, I have an embarrassment of riches. If the right offer is made, my WRs are available. I probably wont sell Mike Evans, even though the Commish has tried 10 times. I am worried about Allen Robinson, but he can only go up from here. Blake Bortles finally cashed in on garbage time, so it’s only a matter of time before Robinson does.

Chimney: I agree, Robinson is too talented to suck this bad. Did you see his catch from last Thursday night? He had an unreal sideline catch, I swear he jumped 6 feet off the ground.

Not the play I was thinking of, but this looked alot like it. 

Chimney: Moving forward, what do you think about your chances to make the playoffs? You have a sick squad, with depth at RB, WR and TE. In fact, it looks like one of the best teams on paper. Surprisingly, it’s only resulted in a 3-5 record so far. You’ve lost 3 of your last 4, so will that turn around?

Keetz: Like you said, my team is stacked. I have every confidence that I’ll make the playoffs when it’s all said and done. I have a bye week this week against Ken, and I play the 9th place team Frader to close out the season. In between that, my only challenge is Pure Taige. I know I can beat Kev and Guy.

Chimney: That seems like a fair assessment, looking at your team I don’t know how you’re not at least .500.

Keetz: Me either, but it’ll turn around. Gotta have faith.

Marty Huggins (4-4):

Joe Harvey: Joe Harvey here in the City of Angels on behalf of the GW Bush League. I’m here with H. Guy Ritch JR to discuss his season thus far. How’s it going Guy?

Guy: I’m not your Guy, pal.

Joe Harvey: I’m not your pal, buddy.

Guy: I’m not your buddy, Guy.

Joe Harvey: I’m not your Guy, Guy.

Guy: Fair enough.

Joe Harvey: Anyway, how’s the reigning champ feeling? After a rough 0-3 start to the season, you’ve really turned it around.

Guy: I’m feeling great about my team. We’ve won 4 of our last 5 and are starting to get healthy. Dez Bryant is finally back and Odell is working through his hip injury. Carlos Hyde returns this weekend, which really helps my RB group.

Joe Harvey: Getting Dez back is critical, hopefully you’ll finally see that three headed monster in action. Dez, Odell and Brandon Marshall are quite the trio. Let’s talk about your RBs though. Carlos Hyde is back, but you lost CJ Anderson. Why didn’t you handcuff CJ Anderson with Devontae Booker?

Guy: Well CJ was doing really well, this knee injury came out of nowhere. I generally don’t waste roster spots on handcuffs, especially since we are only allowed to have 5 RBs on the roster. That rule sucks ass.

Joe Harvey: Yeah, it’s questionable for sure. The Commish does have justification for it though. It creates more waiver wire activity, forces teams to take more risks and promotes trading. You guys are all greedy bastards who just want to hoard players. That’s no fun.

Guy: Yeah, I guess I get that. There is definitely a lot of waiver activity which is good. I am a little concerned about my RBs though, Isaiah Crowell has stepped back a bit and Asiata Cheese Dick (Luma-ism) has the worst offensive line in football. Whachu Talkin About Tevin has been hurt and Devonta Freeman is looking good. That’s gonna be my only concern from here on out.

Joe Harvey: Yeah I hear you there. The trade deadline is in a few weeks, so you still have time to make something happen.

I have to ask you one personal question, it’s been killing me. Who was a worse roommate, me or Ken?

Guy: Man that’s a tough one, you both drove me insane. Let’s look at some pros and cons.

Cons for Joe: Filthy as hell, just grimey. Kept your bike in the house, which was a pain in the ass. Also you just did not clean or help maintain things. Pretty hard headed and annoying, we did not mesh well. Overall an unpleasant person to be around.

Pros for Joe: Went to church every day, which I can respect. Worked at PwC, so we had commonalities there. That’s pretty much it.

Cons for Ken: Filthy as hell, just grimey. Walked in on me and Kierney having sex countless times and woke me up at 6 in the morning on numerous occasions. Almost burned our apartment down when you were using the oven, which is bad for business.

Pros for Ken:  Contributed to the house in all aspects – supplies, cleaning, etc. Way cooler than Joe could ever be.. Overall Ken was the better roommate.

Joe Harvey: Damn, that hurts man.

Guy: Yeah, that’s why I’ve dodged your calls for the last 5 years.

Kens 20 Min Backroad Brisket (6-2):

Ben MacArthur: Benny Mac here in Swampscott reporting on behalf of the George W. Bush League. I’m here with Rob D to discuss the league, his team and other items. How are you doing my man?

Robby D: Benny Mac, holy shit. I’m good man, haven’t seen you since Bryant. What are you doing up here in Swampscott?

Ben MacArthur: That’s the usual response, no one has seen me since we graduated. I actually hated all of you throughout Bryant and only chilled with you so we could match on bowls. I’m up in Swampscott as a favor to the Commish.

Robby D: So that’s where all my bud went Junior year.

Ben MacArthur: Yeah, I also stole from Tone at one point. In hindsight he deserved it. So tell me about your team, how are you feeling?

Robby D: Feeling great, I’m 6-2 and in third place after 8 weeks. I don’t have any major bye weeks coming up and I made some big free agent moves today.

Ben MacArthur: Let’s talk about that one a little bit, you spent $66 of your budget today on three different players. Take me through that.

Robby D: I spent $31 on Jordan Howard even though he has a bye this week. He just rushed for 150 yards against the best D in the league. I then spent $20 on Antone Smith, as a handcuff to Jacquizz Rodgers. Hoping he rips it up on Thursday (UPDATE: He did not). I spent another $15 on Eric Ebron because both of my TEs are on byes this week. He’s injury prone, but when he plays he is solid. I also snuck one under the rug, nabbing Tim Hightower for free - STEAL.

Ben MacArthur: The Jordan Howard one could work out either way. John Fox is notoriously fickle with RBs, but if you’re gonna own a Bears’ RB it’s gotta be Howard. Antone Smith was a good pickup, but $20 is a little rich for my blood. It’s a potential RBBC and Rodgers/Martin have that job when they return (UPDATE: I was right). Ebron was a good investment, I assume he’ll head to the bench once Jordan Reed is back from the bye. Let’s talk about your core players though, what’s going on with Julio Jones?

Robby D: Don’t even get me started, I can’t stand the inconsistency. On one hand, he has 4 games with 21 points or more including a 47 point bukake in week 4. On the other hand, he has 4 games with 14 points or fewer. Three of those were actually fewer than 4 points, disgusting. (UPDATE: Julio is back)

Ben MacArthur: Oh well, not much you can do with him but plug and play. I’m looking at your week to week schedule and am noticing a few close games. You won in week 3 by 6 points, despite scoring just 88.5. You then won in week 4 by a slim margin of 1.6 points. Most recently, your week 8 win was a single point. Are you worried some of this luck is going to turn your way?

Robby D: I think I’m due in this league, I did make it to the championship last year. All of these close games are a product of my research and hard work. I’m also 6-2 in my Westford league, so this isn’t a fluke.

Ben MacArthur: Fair enough my man, I wish you good fortune in the wars to come.

Broke Back Caleb (3-5):

Commish: Commish: So Kev, 5 losses in a row, the last three of which were by a combined 6.9 points. Here's your chance to vent, let me have it.

Kev: I have bad luck in this league, it's a known fact, I think I can pinpoint in every season we've had where it has turned sour.

Losing a tie breaker to get into the playoffs

Having a kicker score 20+ points by kicking, what was it 5 50+ yard FGs? 

And the list goes on, I've tried to forget about them to be honest. 

Also I want to remind everyone that I won the league our senior year of college, before we started keeping score and putting money on the line. I guess that's where my bad luck began.

Commish: Not to mention you got screwed over in the Pickem League. On a scale of 1 to 10, how annoying was that experience? 1 being I hope we keep it going and 10 being I never want to get a text from Ken or Karpel again.

Kev: I enjoyed the competition as I did have good luck there getting at least 9 picks correct every week. Having said that, losing a tie breaker by another 1 point to Rob D and the constant texts at crack o dawn - I guess I'm happy it's over. 

Commish: The weird part is, you have a pretty solid team. Between Cam, Melvin Gordon and Devonta Freeman you have a three top 10 guys. Studs. You also have Jarvis Landry and Larry Fitz. What's holding your team back?

Kev: I'm not sure. If I knew that I would be winning every week.

(Editor's Note: sweet analysis Kev)

Commish: How pumped are you that Tyler Eifert is back? 

Kev: it's great. Although he's on bye this week and my team is dire need of production. Counting on Fleener's weener this week.

Commish: Going forward, what do you think of your chances to make the playoffs? 

Kev: History repeats itself so I'll probably make a decent run for it but lose a tie breaker or some shit.

Commish: Non-football related question that I ask everyone because I'm weirdly interested. If you got to kill your worst enemy (maybe this league?), how would you do it?

Kev: trap them in a cage with poisonous snakes. And bugs.

Commish: Non-fantasy, but football related question. What's it like being the only Pats fan at a Jets tailgate?

Kev: the tailgate I go to is awesome. Any person would have fun there, one of the guys is actually from MA and is a pats fan, so I'm not alone. Plus the Jets are terrible and most of the fans know that so it's always friendly banter.

Commish: Non-football related question - if you could only drink one type of alcohol for the rest of your life, what would it be? Give me the specific brand and type (beer, alcohol, wine, whatever)

Kev: what kind of question is this?

(Editor's Note: a hypothetical one)