Season Obituaries - THE CHAMP — Protector Of The League

FLACCOPiAN TUBES (9-4):

Overview:

Coming in first place with a regular season record of 9-4 and 1,656.8 points scored (2nd most) is YOUR 2016 GEORGE W BUSH LEAGUE CHAMPION, FLACCOPiAN TUBES. Congratulations to Lamone on this decisive victory. He’s suffered through some hard times in this league, but he always picked himself up and came right back for more. This year he dedicated himself to the league and was rewarded with a title, a championship belt and most importantly, the GW Bush League Memorial Trophy. Huge props to Lamone for taking the league title. This league is extremely competitive and coming out on top it is no small feat. Enjoy celebrating for the next 8 months, your title defense starts in August 2017.

What Went Right:

Double feature coming your way. I’ll start with a quick one and go in depth on the second one. The first one is points against - Lamone had the second fewest by just 4 points. Points against is always an area of contention and a serious grey area in fantasy. By grey area I mean it can kill you or it can help you. Of course, in Lamone’s case, it helped. He did have the second most points scored though, so you can’t only point to that for his success.

The second and most important thing that went right was something you can all probably guess – David F Johnson. Lamone had a late draft pick, the 9th pick to be exact. The end of the first round was unpredictable this year, so he had to wait and see what came to him. Lucky for him, David Johnson fell right into his lap at #9. What happened next was one of the best fantasy seasons in living memory, an absolute tour de force by David Fuckin Johnson.

Johnson scored the second most points among all players in fantasy this year. His total points scored was 440, which equates to 27.5 points per game. The only person who scored more points than David was Aaron Rodgers – who Lamone also had. Johnson’s final stat lines are as follows – 293 carries, 1,239 yards and 16 TDs to go along with 80 catches (!!!!!!) for 879 yards and 4 more touchdowns. His 2,118 all-purpose yards were the most in the NFL, 124 more yards than the next highest player (Zeke). His 20 total touchdowns were also the most, 2 more than the 18 Legarrette Blount scored. The rushing figures and TDs were great, but let’s go back to those receiving numbers. Holy shit. Johnson was the best receiving back in the NFL and his 80 catches ranked 20th for all players – including WRs and TEs. His target numbers were ridiculous as well, totaling 120 targets. The 120 targets ranked 25th for all players and were 26 more than the next highest RB (LeVeon’s 94 targets). To put it another way, David Johnson got more touches than Donald Trump.

A few more quick hits: DJ had more than 100 total yards in all but one game, the last game of the season when fantasy was over. Last but not least, he had a touchdown in all but 5 games. In a game where consistency is hard to find, that’s like hitting the lottery.

What Went Wrong:

The last section was long so I’ll keep this short. Like all of us, Lamone did suffer through a few misfortunes.

DeAndre Hopkins – 2nd round bust, arguably the biggest bust in fantasy this year.

Keenan Allen – 3rd round pick, injured for the season in week 1. Could have been Lamone’s #1 WR.

Danny Woodhead – 7th round pick, injured for the season in week 2 after putting up 23 in week 1.

Those are the three major ones, but Lamone was able to overcome them all.

Best Owner Move:

There are a lot to pick from here, Lamone really managered his way to the League Title. The first one of course, is drafting David Johnson. I listed all of those stats above, but it was a great pick. Aaron Rodgers in the 4th round was Lamone’s next best draft pick. Rodgers finished with more than 450 fantasy points and averaged almost thirty per game. A fourth round pick led all players in fantasy points - Discount Double Check indeed.

Another big pickup I’ve prattled on and on about was Jay Ajayi. Lamone picked him up right after his breakout game and reaped the benefits like Lionel Richie, ALL YEAR LONG. He had some other good pickups including and especially Jamison Crowder ($0 but 16th ranked WR), Ty Montgomery (37.5 points in the semi-finals, luckiest spot start in league history) and the Chargers D (7th best scoring D).

Since I’m the king of the Rats, the mayor of Rat Dick City, I have to mention one more draft pick Lamone had. Theo Riddick, now known as Theo Ratdick, was a great pick in the 14th round. The Ratdick only finished as the 32nd ranked RB, but he missed 6 games of the season with injury. In the games he did play, he had 150 touches for 700 yards and 6 TDs. The best part? He scored 10 or more points IN EVERY SINGLE GAME HE PLAYED. From one Ratdick to another, well played Lamone.

The last thing I’ll mention is Lamone’s free agent activity. Lamone made 59 add/drops this year, easily the most in the league. The second most was the Commish, with 37 and the least was Guy with 11. The league average was 25 add/drops, which Lamone more than doubled. It’s safe to say that he hustled more than anyone else in the league.

Worst Owner Move:

I’ve been keeping the negatives short since Lamone had such a great season. Let’s keep that going here with a few quick hits:

Jeremy Langford – Lamone took him in the 6th round, which wasn’t that bad. The problem was that he drafted him one slot before Melvin Gordon - ouch.

Alfred Morris – Lamone took Morris in the 12th round and hung on to him the entire year. It was a good handcuff, but only if you had Zeke Elliot. Unfortunately, Lamone never got any value out of Morris and ultimately wasted a roster spot the entire year.

Tajae Sharp – Lamone acquired him for $35 dollars on Sept 14th. Got pretty much nothing and dropped him two weeks later.

Sammie Coates – Lamone acquired him for $36 dollars on October 12th and like Sharpe, got pretty much nothing out of him. Dropped two weeks later.

Overall, nothing crushing. Had to dig hard to find some bad owner moves.

Historical/Pop Culture/Literary Comparison:

For Lamone’s comparison, I’m going to go with Game of Thrones………………………....................... ………………………………….......…………………………………………………………………………........ Just kidding Lamone.

For Lamone’s historical comparison, we’re going to go with Genghis Khan. Genghis Khan is one of the most famous leaders/generals in history and created the Mongol Empire. He lived from 1162 to 1227 and his Empire lasted another 60-70 years after his death. For those of you who don’t know what the Mongol Empire is, it was one of the largest and most expansive empires in world history. In terms of continuous land area, it actually was the largest empire in history. At its height the Empire spanned 11 million square miles, which is approximately the size of Africa.

Ghengis Khan was born in Northeast Asia and at the time, the area was made up of various nomadic tribes. While these tribes were somewhat independent the majority of them joined “confederations”, which were loose alliances with other tribes. There were a number of different confederations at the time and they generally fought each other for land and resources. This political structure was sort of like what the Mongol Empire came to be, but the tribes were much more sovereign in these early stages and their alliances were tenuous at best. One important aspect of the confederations was that they had an elected ruler – one man elected by the various tribes to lead the whole confederation. This elected leader was referred to as a “khan”, which loosely translates to “king”.

Ghengis Khan was born into one of the tribes that was part of the “Khamag Mongol Confederation”. His father was actually the leader of their tribe, but was killed by a rival confederation when Ghengis was a child. The G spot tried to claim his father’s position as his birthright, but the tribe outcast him and kicked his family out on the streets. Or woods since they didn’t have streets back then. The rest of his childhood and early adult life was very difficult, but Ghengis Khan was able to survive it and come out better for it. The GK developed a reputation as a fierce fighter during his early years and eventually started his own tribe with the support of his brothers and other allies.

Once he had his own tribe and consolidated his power, he started to make more alliances and attack other tribes. Over the course of the next 5-10 years, he was able to defeat a number of tribes and create his own confederation. After defeating them, he united these various tribes and created a unified military, with a single political structure. At this point, he became the “Khan” of his confederation – Ghengis Khan.

Once he created his own confederation and became Khan, he turned his attention to other parts of Asia. His lands bordered the lands of other confederations and dynasties and he decided to conquer those and bring them into his new empire. He spent the rest of his life in these campaigns and his empire grew rapidly. Ghengis died in 1227 and his empire kept growing after his death. By the time the empire collapsed, it was the largest continuous land empire in world history. It spread from Northeast Asia, to Central & Southeast Asia, the Middle East and even as far as Eastern Europe. It was yuuuugggeeee.

Like with many famous world leaders, there are different opinions on Khan’s legacy and rule. Some people think of him as a tolerant ruler who created a cohesive political environment in Asia. Others view him as a destructive and genocidal savage who slaughtered innocent people. Oh well, you can’t make everyone happy.

Alright, time for the punch line – how is this like Lamone? First, an easy one. Genghis Khan isn’t even his real name. His real name is Temujin – he took on the name Genghis later in life. When he became the ruler of his confederation, he added “Khan” to his title – Genghis Khan. This is like Lamone, his real name is Matt Lamonakis and not, “Luma”, “Lamone”, or “Lumme Cat”.

Second, he is often depicted with awesome facial hair – moustaches, goatees, beards, etc. This is like Lamone, the chameleon of facial hair. He’s honestly the only person I know who can “pull off” just about any facial hair style.

The third reason is that Genghis Khan had more than 10 wives during his lifetime. This is like how Lamone’s roster was in current fluctuation. As I mentioned above, the 59 acquisitions were by far the most in the league and waayyy above the league average.

Going along with that, Genghis Khan was credited with creating a merit-based society – a meritocracy. What I mean by that is people were rewarded based on their skill and achievements rather than their bloodlines and family ties. He didn’t care where the person was from or who their parents were, if they were good at what they did then he utilized them. This is like Lamone’s roster. He wasn’t afraid to start certain guys with good matchups (Ty Montgomery, luckiest spot start of the year), or sit certain guys who weren’t performing (DeAndre Hopkins, CockSuck Osweiler). If you performed, you made the lineup. If you didn’t, you rode the pine.

Another similarity is that Genghis Khan was known for his violent and brutal nature. He often killed the citizens of his conquered lands after defeating their armies. According to historians he killed over 10 million people in the Iranian Peninsula alone, which was more than 75% of the population. This is like Lamone, who is often known for his brutal nature. The only difference is that it’s verbal brutality with Luma instead of physical brutality. Growing up with Lamone I was witness to many a shaming, degrading and insulting comment. He’s made countless girls cry and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been on the wrong end of his tirades. There was one Sunday where he said “Johnny C with the rat dick” about 10,000 times. Rat dick is now my spirit animal. He’s softened up a little in the verbal brutality over the years, but it’s still there.

The last and most important similarity is their ascents to power. Although Genghis was born into moderate nobility, he spent most of his childhood and teen-years living in poverty. I mentioned above that his Father died when GK was young. When GK tried to claim his Father’s title as chief of their tribe, the tribe exiled him and his family. They were forced to live in the woods by themselves and barely survived by eating rodents and whatever they could find. The poverty didn’t last forever though, Genghis Khan eventually built a large empire. This is like Lamone in our league. He was born into moderate nobility, having been a close friend to the Commish. Unfortunately, he fell on hard times and suffered through his first few years in the league. That all ended this year, when Lamone created an empire. The largest empire in the league. Both men are great examples of rags to riches stories. Genghis Khan became an emperor and Lamone became the GW Bush League Champ.

Commissioner’s Prediction:

I think this is the year guys. The year that Lamone finally makes the playoffs. After three years of mediocrity or worse, Lamone will finally finish the season with a winning record and enter the playoffs.

I’ll give him a record of 8-5 and I’ll give him a finals appearance. He’ll coast through the first two rounds and we’ll be hearing a ton of shit about it. Unfortunately, he’ll lose in the finals in heartbreaking fashion. Lamone has had some really bad luck in this league, so I can’t give him a league title just yet.

Damn Commish, correct on everything up until the finals. I predicted Lamone would make the finals and lose, but he went one step further and won the league. Touche my friend, congratulations again. Overall I went 6 for 10 on predictions in terms of whether or not the person would make the playoffs. I think the only ones I got wrong were me, Rob D, Ken and Frader. I promise to give better analysis in my draft recaps next year.

Final Notes:

What a year for Lamone, what a monumental, colossal, gratifying year for Lamone. After all the struggles he had during his first 2-3 years of the League, he made it to the pinnacle. It was actually the first time Lamone made the playoffs in our league, so it was extra special for him. Come to think of it, I think that’s happened two years in a row. Check me on this, but I’m pretty sure the person who won the league each of the last two years was a person who had never made the playoffs before. That’s awesome for the league #parity #anythingispossibleeeeeeeeeee #lummecat.

Lamone has made it. As Henry Hill once said, “he’s a made man”. I think we can all agree that we’re fine with this result. As Robby D even said “there’s no one I’d rather see win than Lamone”. I agree with that statement, Lamone is a critical member of this league. Now we just gotta get Kev a title.

One more congratulations to Lamone, our League Champ. He’s now got a target on his back, let’s see how he wears it.