OBITUARIES - 2ND PLACE

2ND PLACE

Team/Record/Owner:

Coming in 2nd place with a regular season record of 8-5 and 1,950.3 points (#1 in the league) is The West Canaan Coyotes owned by your sorry ass Commissioner.

What Went Right:

I’ll start with my draft since each of my first 5 picks were studs. Saquon is currently RB3, McCaffrey is RB2, Kelce is TE1, Stefon Diggs is WR12 and Lamar Miller is RB19. I’ll get into them a little more here, but when the core of your team is that productive, you know you’re having a good season.

Another quick note: my team got lucky and avoided the injury bug for the most part. Saquon/McCaffrey/Kelce have played in every game this year, while Lamar Miller has missed 2 games and Diggs missed 1. After looking at the onslaught Keetz suffered, I will admit I got lucky there. (Did lose Emmanuel Sanders though.)

Back to my studs, my children, my babies. My favorite player in the NFL Saquon Barkley was a revelation this year. The rookie out of Penn State has 1,886 all-purpose yards on 244 rushes and 87 receptions. Throw in the 14 TDs he scored and you get 385 fantasy points for the year.

Christian McCaffrey one-upped Barkley and accumulated 2,145 all-purpose yards on 215 carries and 106 receptions. 106 receptions!! The only players with more receptions than McCaffrey are Adam Thielen, Davante Adams, Zach Ertz and Michael Thomas. While he excelled as a receiver, his rushing numbers are just as impressive. He crossed the 1,000 yard mark and his yards per carry sits at 5.0. All in all that got him 387 fantasy points this year.

Kelce was also a beast and despite the fact Zach Ertz has 500 receptions, Kelce is somehow TE1. I guess his 98 catches for 1,300 yards and 10 TDs will explain that one. Diggs was another contributor, tallying 94 catches for 974 yards and 8 TDs. Last but not least is the most boring fantasy player ever, Lamar Miller. Miller has over 1,000 all purpose yards and 5 TDs on the season. Not exceptional, but he was a serviceable FLEX for much of the year and had some huge weeks built in (averaged 18 points per game from Weeks 6-14).

All in all it was a great year for me statistically. I had an 8-5 record and led the league in points for the season. The 1,950 points I scored average out to 150 per week which is hard to believe. Out of 13 weeks, I led the league in scoring on 4 separate occasions. That was the most in the league – Keetz had 3 but no one else had more than 2. During the regular season, my team scored 140 or more TEN times. TEN OUT OF 13. Obviously some things went right for me just based on the scores alone.   

What Went Wrong:

I’ll start with points against. While I “only” had the 4th most points against during the regular season, there was a long stretch there were I was leading the league in that unfortunate category. While I led the league in scoring on 4 separate weeks, I also faced the league leading scorer during 4 separate weeks. Kev put up 162 against me in Week 1 and then there was the 3 weeks from Hell I endured mid-way through the season. My team went up against the league leading scorer in Weeks 6, 7 and 8. Over that time my opponents put up an average of 170 points per game. That is unbelievable.

The other thing that went wrong was of course my two playoff matchups. The first one because my team inexplicably shit the bed. The 100.9 I scored in Round 2 was the lowest total of my season. It was also the first time SINCE WEEK 4 my team put up fewer than 130 points. To top it all off, I won on a tie breaker. I had a 2 point lead for 4 fucking days before the NFL/ESPN decided to change the score and rule my matchup a tie. While I still won based on tie breakers (bench points), my season was forever unclean after that.

Which leads me to the colossalgigantichugemongous ass raping that was to befall me in the championship round. After averaging 119 points per game over his past 3 matchups, Dyckbagdylan decided to put up ONE HUNDRED AND FUCKING SEVENTY TWO POINTS in the finals. 172 points. Obviously I lost. Obviously that was the highest score DBD put up the entire season. OBVIOUSLY.

DBD was an afterthought for most of the season. He was the 5th seed and wasn’t even top 4 in scoring. Not only that, but if I had played DBD every week of the season including the playoffs, I would have won 13 of the 16 matchups. THIRTEEN OF SIXTEEN. He only would have beaten me in Weeks 4, 15 and 16. Literally any other fucking week and I likely would have won. Not that week though, not in the championship. Obviously. 

Best Owner Move:

The Nick Chubb pickup was huge – October 19th for $0 FAAB. I heard about the Carlos Hyde trade early and I pounced before Tieg could pick him up. Since the trade, Chubb has scored 194 points in 9 games, which is more than 21 per game. Despite playing sparingly in the first 6 weeks of the season, Chubb is RB17 on the year. He’s accumulated 183 carries for 972 yards, 153 receiving yards and 10 total TDs.

Marlon Mack was another solid pickup, made on October 17th for $30 of FAAB. This was actually the same week as the Chubb pickup, so it was a huge week for the Coyotes. Since that pickup Mack has scored 177 points in 9 games, which is just over 19 per game.

Worst Owner Move:

Unfortunately in order to pick up Chubb (see above), I had to drop Aaron Jones. As I mentioned in Keetz’ writeup, he proceeded to go off and help lead Keetz to the playoffs. Not my finest moment, but Chubb was ultimately better than Jones.  

I dropped the Ravens D right before the title game and decided to go with the Chargers D. The Ravens were travelling all the way across the country to play the Chargers, who had just beaten the Chiefs. The experts had the Chargers winning and the Ravens D was only projected for 4.7 points. I decided to lean on the experts and like they’re prone to do, they fucked up. The Ravens D scored 20 points while the Chargers D scored 5.  

Draft Recap/Prediction:

“I predict I’ll finish 5-8 and be in the running for the Gabe. Fat drunk and stupid is no way to go through a draft son.”

Wrong. 4 for 9. Although I’d probably be happier if I was the Gabriel right now.

Applicable Quote:

“I’ve won every battle, but I’m losing this war.”

Robb Stark right before the Red Wedding. This was like my season – I won nearly every battle, but I lost the war.

“The saddest thing in life is wasted talent.”

A quote from a Bronx Tale, pretty good movie if you haven’t seen it. Very fitting for my team as all the talent was wasted. This was arguably the best roster ever constructed in our league and yet it was wasted.

“Gods help you, Theon Greyjoy. Now you are truly lost.”

This is fitting for 2 reasons. First because Theon was castrated, which is kinda how I feel right now. Pretty depressed. Second because I feel truly lost. This was my year, but for some reason the gods didn’t let me have it. Not sure where to go from here.

Final Thoughts:

This is just a giant kick in the dick. What a sham. This was my year. The year I would finally get the John Hancock Tower sized monkey off my back and win this stupid fucking league. After making the playoffs in 7 of the 8 years we’ve played this league, the title was finally going to be mine. And then it wasn’t….

I had the best team in the league. That’s not an opinion, that’s a fact. It’s also arguably the best team ever assembled in this league. My team scored 1,950 points this year. Keetz totaled 1,610 last year when he won, while Lamone totaled 1,656 in 2016 when he won. I scored 300 more points during the season than the last two champs and yet no championship for me.

The title I deserved, NAY, the title I EARNED was stolen from me. Stolen right out from under me by the cruel clutches of the fantasy football gods and given to my former friend and groomsman Dyckbagdylan. So not only do I lose a championship, but I also lose a friend. To make matters worse, this was the first time in the league I think people were actually rooting for me. And the first time in the league I actually thought I could win. What a twist fucking ending.

I’ll leave you all with a silver lining. At least I can live the rest of my life knowing that I will never win this league. If I didn’t win it this year, it will never happen. I no longer have to stress out during the season, or purposely not watch football games because my players suck when I watch. I’m never going to win and it’s kind of liberating. It’s almost like How I Met Your Mother when Robin gets married. Ted finally knows that he’ll never get Robin and so he can finally move on. I know that I’ll never get the GWBL Trophy, so I can finally move on.