Season Obituaries - 9th Place — Protector Of The League

Harambe Pink Socked Ken (4-9):

Overview:

Coming in 9th place with a regular season record of 4-9 and 1,426.6 points for is Harambe Pink Socked Ken, owned and operated by Dylan Whiting, aka the big Chyl. Dylan changed his name about 6 times, formerly operating as Ken Killed Harambe, RIP Harambe, Watch Yaself Big Gurl, ThasNotP ThasSquirt and at least one other.

What Went Right:

Not much to pick from here. Dylan had some pretty good luck with points against – ranking 8th in that category. Being in the bottom three of points against is always a good thing, but Dylan didn’t take advantage.

The first 8 weeks of the season also went pretty well for Dylan. He was 4-4 and firmly in the playoff mix. He had averaged 113 points per game and things were looking good. He had just beat Guy and Ken in successive weeks and was primed for the final part of the season. He also enjoyed playing around with his team names, as he seemed to win every time he changed it. Week 8 was the biggest win of his season, a 137.3 to 81.8 win over Ken. That 55 point differential is huge. YUUUGEEE as Donald Trump says.

What Went Wrong:

Dylan named his team Ken Killed Harambe at one point and ironically enough, Ken kind of did kill Dylan’s season. Since Dylan beat Ken in week 8, he has not won a game. That’s right, Dylan lost his last FIVE games this year. Dylan’s last regular season win came on October 31st. By the time he has a chance to win a regular season game in 2017, it will have been over 300 days since his last victory. Ken Killed Harambe.

As I just said, the last 5 weeks of the season were an abomination for Dylan. Dylan got dragged through the end of the season like that little kid got dragged through Harambe’s cage.

Harambe Pink Socked Ken lost every single one his last 5 games and failed to score more than 115 points in any of them. He averaged a lowly 103 points per game over those 5 weeks. Meanwhile, his opponents ravaged. Through the last 5 weeks, the opposition scored a total of 624.6 points. That’s good for 125 per week which is never a good thing. In comparison, Guy’s opponents scored 535 points during that span. Almost 20 points per week fewer than Dylan’s opponents.

Best Owner Move:

Again, not much to pick from here. I’ll have to say drafting Matt Forte in the 5th round would be Dylan’s best owner move. Forte was a free agent this past offseason and no one was really sure where he’d land. To the dismay of Patriots fans, he ended up with the Jets. K, E, V, O, KEV KEV KEV.

(Really tried to find a pic of Kev at a Jets tailgate here, but no luck).

He didn’t play much in the preseason and his injury concerns were hyped up, so he fell to the 5th round. Dylan was happy to take him at #44 and he was rewarded with the 9th highest scoring RB through 13 weeks.

Forte has been a little up and down this year, with a bunch of bad performances mixed in with a bunch of good ones. He has 4 weeks of 9.4 or fewer points, but 4 weeks of 20 or more points. He hasn’t caught as many passes as in past years, but he does have 7 rushing touchdowns. He did have two huge weeks – 38 in week 2 and 36 in week 7, which were huge. Overall a great 5th round pick.

Worst Owner Move:

I guess you have to say taking Adrian Peterson in the first round of the draft. The fourth pick sucked ass this year. The top 3 WRs were off the board and you were left to choose between the various running backs at 4. Do you go with the proven commodity, AP? Or the reigning rookie of the year in Todd Gurley? Or do you do the highly touted rookie Zeke? Or the late season star David Johnson? Dylan tried to make the safe pick and ultimately got burned for it. Adrian Peterson should change his nickname from All Day to All Season. As in he missed the whole season. Hindsight is 20/20, so I have to say this was the worst move.

Historical/Pop Culture/Literary Comparison:

Commodus, the 18th emperor of Rome. You’ve all seen Gladiator, so you probably think I’m going to rip on Dylan here. You would be sort of right, but sort of wrong. That movie is incredible, but it’s wildly inaccurate from a historical perspective. First, Commodus did not kill his father. Marcus Aurelius died from an illness - likely dysentery, small pox, or some other random disease. Second, Marcus Aurelius chose Commodus to succeed him, he did not choose Russel Crowe. This actually went against Roman tradition at the time, which was not a strict monarchy. Instead, the Emperor would “adopt” his successor (usually someone unrelated, a Senator or general) and make him “co-emperor” towards the end of his reign. The Senate would usually approve and the whole point was that they would get someone qualified to rule the Empire. (I guess it was an "adoptive monarchy")

But how is this Dylan? I will explain (hope you have some time). Commodus served under his father in the Germanic wars and when Marcus Aurelius died, he asked Commodus to finish the wars and defeat the Barbarians. Aurelius was all about “the glory of Rome” and expanding the Empire and all that. Unfortunately for him, Commodus was not. Soon after his father’s death, Commodus made peace with the Barbarians and ended the wars. He returned to Rome so he could rule the Empire while living a peaceful and luxurious lifestyle.

Throughout his reign, he was very popular with the common people. He had ended the wars (a drain on the economy) and brought peace to the realm. He gifted lands to the soldiers and passed out money in the streets. He slept with dozens of women, hosted extravagant games and even took part in the games himself. He “looked” like an Emperor should.

The problem was, he didn’t want to actually rule. He left just about all of the administrative and political matters to his advisors and distanced himself from responsibility. This led to numerous problems like political unrest, food shortages and scheming within the Senate. This is where Dylan comes in. Dylan, like Commodus just wants to live that chill life. He doesn’t want to rule the fantasy football empire. He just wants to party, hook up with tinder girls and relax on the couch. He even lies on the couch like a Roman person would.

That’s what happened with his fantasy football team this year. As he said in his interview, he didn’t do much research and he didn’t do one mock draft before our season. That’s like Commodus, who didn’t take his schooling seriously and just drank/whored as he grew up. He wanted to partake in the fun of the league, but didn’t really want to earn it. Ultimately that led to a 4-9 record and 9th place. Or, in the case of Commodus – an assassination.

Commissioner’s Prediction:

I say Dylan goes 7-6, but gets knocked out in the first round of the playoffs. His team is good enough to get there, but not good enough to go anywhere. Plus, he’s got some bad karma on his side from a lifetime of sins and tindering.

First one wrong for the Commish, shooting 50% right now. I actually thought Dylan had a decent team to start the year, but I was wrong, wrong wrong. Part of my grade was based on the assumption that Adrian Peterson would be a top 10 back, which did not come to pass. He played (terribly) in two games and then missed the rest of the season. Can’t predict injury. It was also tough to anticipate Mark Ingram’s season, what a roller coaster (eventually traded to Ken). Pretty sure John Kuhn has more rushing TDs for the Saints than Ingram does and Tim Hightower was used way more than anyone thought. Dylan also just had some underachievers like Demaryius Thomas and Kelvin Benjamin. The Commish can’t always be right.

Final Notes:

When we looked at Frader’s season, we noted the discrepancy between his final ranking and the number of points he scored during the year. I like to think of that as the “beta” between a person’s “team performance” and their record. In finance, beta is a measure of volatility. I think of it as the difference between a market return and the return on a particular investment (**Keetz, check me on that one). In fantasy football, I think of beta as the difference between your points ranking and your final team ranking. Frader’s was huge, he went from 5th in points to 10th in standings - a beta of -5. Dylan on the other hand, had a beta of zero. He finished 9th in scoring for the year and also finished 9th overall for the year. The only other person to have a beta of zero was Ken, who finished 8th and 8th respectively. Oh boy I cannot wait to write Ken’s recap.

To wrap it up, this was another forgettable year for Dylan. It was the second year in a row he has failed to make the playoffs and it was actually his worst year ever in the league. I think he may be getting a little complacent. Like we discussed, he even said that he didn’t do much pre-draft research. That’s what ultimately killed him, he just wasn’t prepared. As one of my high school football coaches once said – he forgot the 5 P’s of success. Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance. Dylan did not properly prepare and he had a piss-poor performance.